We could have had it all
by ellephunky
Summary: This is my second try to write a fanfiction. It is set after 5.10, Blair is still with Louis and still an idiot : But I want to make things right, make Blair the real Blair again. The way the writers wasn't able to in season 5. Pretty much hated season 5 so this is just me trying to cheer myself up! English isn't my language so have some forgiveness with my spelling :
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one**

_Have you come here for forgiveness  
Have you come to raise the dead  
Have you come here to play Jesus  
To the lepers in your head_

_Did I ask too much_  
_More than a lot_  
_You gave me nothing_  
_Now it's all I got_  
_We're one_  
_But we're not the same_  
_Well we_  
_Hurt each other_  
_Then we do it again_

Blair arrives at the Empire hotel around lunch.

In the elevator on the way up she got second thoughts. Maybe I should have called him, set up a meeting. He might be busy. Her thought went around in her head. Maybe I just should go home again. Before she manages to drop out she hears herself say:

"Don't be a coward Waldorf. You put yourself in this position and now you have to make it right."

She took a deep breath before the elevator door opened and she walked into his apartment.

"Chuck" she called out but with no answer.

It took just a few second to state that he wasn't in the living room area and another few seconds to see that he wasn't in his bedroom. First she was filled with relief, and then there was another feeling entering her body. She suddenly realized that she felt disappointed that he wasn't at home. She felt how her entire body was longing to see him. Every part of her screamed out for him. In that moment to just see him, to look into his beautiful brown eyes or just hear his voice would be enough, more than enough, it would mean _everything_.

Suddenly the bathroom door opens and Chuck steps out. Their eyes meet each other's instantly. Blair's body reacts immediately, she feels warm in her whole body, she feels dizzy and nervous like a little girl. And she feels happy.

Chuck had just stepped out from the shower when he found Blair in his living room. One look at her was enough, he was drown in his feelings before he could guard himself. She just stood there, reminding him of how beautiful she was, of how much he loved her but also of the painful truth that she no longer was his.

_No longer his._

It still hit him like a thousand of knives stabbing him all over his body.

"Chuck"

He closed his eyes for a short second. He always loved to hear her say his name. But then he reminded himself that nowadays it was also shared with a bit of pain.

"Blair. If I knew I would be getting guests I should have dressed more appropriate. Do forgive me" Chuck walked pass Blair and went to the fridge.

Blair secretly looked at him. He looked amazing in almost nothing besides from a towel. She reminded herself in what matter she was there.

Chuck took a cold coke from the fridge, with Blair here he needed something to cool his nerves.

Blair looked at Chuck and wondered why he could act so normal when she was so nervous she could barely stand just because she was around him.

A thought struck her and she felt her heart ache just by thinking it, what if Chuck really gotten over her this time? What if he didn't want her anymore?

"So what can I do for you Blair" Chuck asked and picked up a news paper. He did his best to act like this was no big deal, it didn't matter he already read the paper he just needed something to distract him. Distract him from his feelings that just waited to destroy him, eat him up from inside.

"Chuck I wanna talk" Blair started.

Chuck put the news paper away and sighed. "Well you know what, I don't!"

Blair was shocked by the sound of his voice, it sounded a bit harsh and… tired.

"I'm sick of this. I'm really fed up. I've done a lot of unselfish things lately and all I've gotten from you is just shit. I just wanted you to be happy, I still want that. I accepted that you where with Louis. I tried to move on but every time you just came back and stopped me." He took a short pause and stared out in the blue. "When you wanted to leave Louis to be with me I was the happiest man alive. Then I woke up alone in the hospital just to hear that you went out of town with Louis. And I didn't even get an explanation!" Chuck looked down at his hand, they trembled out of anger, pain and grief. He looked at Blair who just stood there, unable to move or say anything. The pain she could hear in Chuck's voice was almost too much for her to handle.

"I just had to start all over again, trying to get over you. I realized I had to stop loving you and that Blair, is the hardest thing I'm ever going to do."

Blair felt tears stream down her face. "Chuck" she said again.

"Blair when I said I loved you the first time I was scared to death. But I will never ever regret that." His voice softened when he said the last part and she knew he really meant it. "And I will always love you but I can't take this anymore.. You have the right to do whatever or whomever you want but from now on you don't get to treat me like shit." Chuck looked straight into Blair's eyes and said "And you don't have the right to play with my heart."

It hit her right in the face, the truth. For the first time she realized how much she had hurt him. Sadness gripped her heart like a stone hand, she felt unable to breath, unable to speak.

It took her a few minutes before she had the strength to talk.

"Chuck I'm so sorry. I know I can't make it right but I came here to tell you how sorry I am." She looked Chuck deep in the eyes, trying not to burst into tears "I'm so sorry for the way I've behaved, for the way I've treated you. I've done mistakes, the biggest one was leaving you after the accident. I meant it when I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. You can never doubt that!"

She went closer to Chuck, standing just a few meters from him. "I was just so scared after the accident. I was emotionally unstable after l lost the baby and I was just so terrified of losing you too.

In one night I was close to losing everything I cared about. After that I just pushed everyone away." Tears ran down Blair's face. Automatically Chuck felt the need to sweep Blair's tears away and make her happy again but he reminded himself that it wasn't his job anymore, to take care of her.

"I'm sorry." The silence between them said more than thousand words. It took a while before Blair spoke up again "I won't cause you anymore pain. I promise.."

Suddenly they heard the elevator door open and Nate stepped in. He stopped immediately when he saw the two of them.

"Oh sorry! I can leave again" Nate looked uncomfortable in the scene he just unwillingly joined.

Blair swept her tears away with the back on her hand and turned to Nate

"No need, I was just leaving." She turned around and went to the elevator.

"Blair" She turned around and looked at Chuck. "Thank you." He looked straight at her and she felt her whole body weaken.

She tried to give him a smile but couldn't, instead she nodded and then turned around and left.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2.

_I told you everything  
Opened up and let you in  
You made me feel alright  
For once in my life  
Now all that's left of me  
Is what I pretend to be  
So together, but so broken up inside  
'Cause I can't breathe  
No, I can't sleep  
I'm barely hangin' on_

A few hours after Blair left Nate came back to their apartment. He found Chuck in his room, lying on his bed, staring at a glass of scotch he was holding.

"So you're back to drowning your sorrows in booze?" Nate looked a bit worried. "Hey, I know this is none of my business but you are my best friend and I'm worried about you so I'm gonna ask you, what did Blair want when she was here?" He watched as his best friend stiffened for a second or two, then continued to stay totally focused on the glass he was holding in his hand.

"Actually she just swung by to have a little chat." Chuck did his best to make it sound as undramatic as possible. He wished Nate would drop the subject, it tortured him too much to even think about it, he couldn't stand talking about it too.

"A little chat? I felt the tension all the way down in the lobby!" Nate had a skeptical tone in his voice.

Chuck sighed, apparently Nate wasn't willing to give up that easily. "She came here to say that she was sorry for everything and she wanted to explain her actions. That was it."

"Oh wow, never thought Blair Waldorf would go around begging for forgiveness." Nate smiled when some old memories of Blair crossed his mind. "But it must feel kind of good, at least it can make it easier for you to move on now."

"I guess" Chuck just answered platonic, his thoughts were already far away.

_Move on_. It sounded so unreal. How could he ever move on? Move on from the the love of his life? He knew he could never feel what he felt for Blair for anyone else. He had been with so many women buy now that he wasn't even close to holding count. But that didn't matter, that was all meaningless affairs, the only thing that matter was that he out of all these women had just fallen in love with one. He had tried, with Eva, with Raina, trying to fool himself into believing he was in love with them but it always ended with one particular thing, Blair. It all came down to Blair.

"So what do you say?" Nate interrupted him in his thoughts and looked at him with an interrogative look on his face.

"What were you saying again?" Chuck realized he had gone up in his one thoughts for a second or two.

"There's this banquet thing being hold tonight at the Plaza. I was thinking we could pop by, have some champagne, improve on our mingle skills and then maybe we could make it a whole nighters. It was to long since we did that, got drunk and had some fun." Nate looked like an enthusiastic child and Chuck laughed at the sight.

"How could I say no to you Nathaniel? Besides, this famous Chuck Bass way of heeling a broken heart never actually helped." Chuck said and but the scotch away.

"So what's the new cure?" Nate asked with a curious voice, maybe hoping for a new spontaneous trip to Europe.

"First of all my friend we are going out for some fun. After that I think I'm gonna need a date."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Miss Blair, you are ready?" Dorota showed up in Blair's doorway. "Mr Louis is down waiting for you."

Blair sat in her room in front of the mirror, doing the last of her make-up. She and Louis we're going to an annual gala held at the New York City Ballet.

"I'm almost done. Tell Louis I'll be down in a minute." She did her best not to look at Dorota. She always did her best not to let her gaze go below her maid's bust. She couldn't take seeing Dorotas belly, seeing her unborn baby. It was just a painful reminder of her loss. A reminder of her own baby girl or boy.

She put on more of her red lipstick to buy herself a bit more time.

Going to a social event like this, dressed in a magnificent Oscar de la Renta dress which suited her slim figure perfectly, showing of the best parts of her body and giving her butt an amazing shape, she should have felt great. But she didn't. She felt unhappy even though she knew she shouldn't.

What's wrong with me? she thought starring at her one reflection in the mirror. I'm finally gonna have everything I've dreamed of. I'm gonna be a princess and yet I can't be happy?

"Blair is something wrong?" Louis interrupted her in her thought when he entered her room.

Blair rose from her chair. She did her best to look calm. She couldn't blow this thing. She worked too hard to get here.

"No of course not. It just took a bit longer to get ready. You know woman." She forced a smile and walked close to Louis, pressing her lips to his. "I'm ready to go now."

In the meantime Chuck Bass ordered Arthur to pull the car up by the entrance. He and Nate were headed to the ballet. He couldn't say he was dying with excitement but doing things helped him ease his mind. Going out with Nate last night had been kind of fun.

This feels like old times, Nate had told him when they were headed home in the limo. And he was right, Chuck thought. It did feel like old time. He felt unhappy just like he did years ago. And the thought of Blair Waldorf made him feel strange in a way he never felt before. Happy, scared, vulnerable and… in love. Just like it did years ago.

"So are you ready?" Nate interrupted him. "The girls are downstairs."

After he told Nate he needed a date he had set them up with two girls. He wasn't really looking forward to it but he had to move on. He had to think about something else then _her_.

"Nathaniel, let's go."

When Blair and Louis arrived she did her best to smile her most beautiful smile and forcing polite small talk with all sorts of people. It really was one of her best gifts.

She was in the middle of a discussion with Anne Archibald when she saw him. Her heart skipped a beat and she felt her face blush a little bit only of seeing him.

Then she saw her. One Chuck's left arm was a girl with long blonde hair and a smashing smile.

For a moment she couldn't breathe, couldn't think. It felt like the world just stopped spinning for a second.

Then she felt sick. She felt so much envy that she had to excuse herself from Anne and go to the ladies room to calm down.

He really was moving on. The truth hit her like a hammer. Tearing her to pieces.

She wanted Chuck to move on and be happy. Or at least she said she wanted it. But seeing him with her… She just couldn't stand it.

Right then the door opened and Serena walked in.

"There you are B! Nate's mom told me you felt ill. What's up?" Serena had a concerned look.¨

So typical of Serena, Blair thought, she was just too caring and right now it annoyed her. She didn't want to talk to Serena about this. She had to keep her act together, she couldn't fall apart now. Not here. She took a deep breath and tried to stay controlled.

"Oh I'm just tired. I havn't slept well." Blair did her best to make her lie sound true.

"So this wouldn't have anything to do with a surthern someone being here with a date?" Serena looked straight at Blair with that challenging look which was so hard to avoid.

Damn Serena. Why couldn't she just leave her back once?

"How many times do I have to tell you: I'm with Louis. And I'm actually on my way to go and find him right now if you'll excuse me.

Blair tried to make it out of the bathroom but Serena stopped her by blocking the door.

"Blair I know you, you can't lie to me. I know you love Chuck. More than you love Louis." Serena takes a small break to let Blair tell her once again that she has it all wrong. But to Serena's suprise she doesn't say anything, she just stairs down at the floor. "But if you besides that fact is gonna stick with Louis then you have to leave Chuck alone. Forever."

Serena can see how much this effects Blair, she is almost afraid her best friend will break into tears. But she has to say this, Blair needs to hear it, she tells herself and continues:

"If you think this is hard, seeing him with someone else, just think about what he has to go through. Seeing you with Louis. Knowing you're getting married!

Serena takes a step out of the way to let Blair out.

"You can't have it all B. Go find your prince."

Blair starts to walk out of the room but stops right by Serena. For the first time she looks up into Serena's eyes.

"When I thought Chuck would die I was sure I was gonna die to. And I was sure I was the one to blame."

"But he didn't die Blair"

"I know but the point is that bad things always tend to happen when we're together. It's like faith is trying to tell us we're wrong for each other. I'll rather lose him this way then forever."

She feels tears starting to stream down her face and quickly wipes them away and leaves the room and Serena behind.


	4. Chapter 4

First of all I have to say thank you to those who left reviews! Your kind words made me continue this fic. Please tell me if something is missing or if you want me to go forward with this one! In this chapter I just had to fix something that's been bothering me for a long time. It's not perfect but hope you like it anyway!

**Chapter 4**

_You calm the storms and you give me rest  
You hold me in your hands  
You won't let me fall  
You steal my heart and you take my breath away  
Would you take me in, take me deeper now  
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this  
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you  
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this_

Inspite his date, the night seemed to move extremely slowly for Chuck. There she was, with him. It hurt every time, seeing them together.

I hope he knows how lucky he is he thought for himself. He would do anything to trade places with him.

Even though it hurt he couldn't seem to take his eyes off her. With all these people around he could just see her and nobody else. She was stunningly _beautiful_, as always,_but she looked_different. Sad he thought and it hurt him. He hated seeing her sad. Was it possible she was upset that he brought a date?

No he shouldn't be stupid. She was the one who didn't want to be with him, why would she be jealous? This wasn't one of their games, that time had passed. Besides he already lost the game. And it hurt like hell.

Blair made her best to act as normal as possible. Even though she felt like something was screaming inside her. She had never felt so alone in a room full of people. Most of all she wanted to go home and shut the door behind her and act like nothing exists. But this was life, and she couldn't flee.

She made sure she avoided Chuck and his date. Because her heart was dangerously close to crumbling every time she saw them.

It was when she overheard someone mention Chuck and his new girlfriend and how perfect they looked together, that she lost it. She just couldn't stand it. It tortured her so much too even think about it, but seeing them, hearing people referring to them as a couple, it killed her.

She tried to breathe while heading for an exit; she needed to get out of there before she lost it completely.

He saw her when she made her exit. Almost running, looking anything but calm and happy, Chuck instantly felt worried about her. He wanted her to be happy. That was all he ever wanted. He loved her smile and he loved to hear her laugh.

"Will you excuse me for a minute" He said to his date and went after her trough the door.

"Blair!" He called after her.

She froze when she heard him. Slowly she turned around and walked back to him.

"What's wrong?"

Her heart skipped a bit when she heard the concern in his voice.

"Do you still love me?"

He looked at her for a moment as if he didn't understand. Then he sighed.

"What different does it make Blair?"

"I just have to know. Do you still love me or not?"

She hated how frightened she sounded but she didn't like the look in his eyes at all when he met her gaze.

"I don't see how it matters. You left me. You chose someone else."

Before he looked away from her she saw the sadness in his eyes. She felt his pain and it tortured her.

"And now you're asking me if I still love you. When I know it's not gonna change anything."

He sounded angry and a bit resentful.

"I know I promised I wouldn't do this to you." Blair swept a tear away. "But I just have to know."

"Do _you_ still love me?" He looked straight at her with an intense gaze. The question had just slipped. He hadn't meant to ask her that. But he couldn't help to feel hopeful. Maybe it wasn't over for her. It sure wasn't over for him. It could never be over.

"Chuck it's not that easy."

"It comes down to whether or not you love me. That's all, that's it. The rest is just details."

He took a step closer to her, standing so close she could hear him breathing. She inhaled his scent, he smelled familiar and comfortable. God she missed him.

Blair swallowed and looked away; she had to work her hardest not to throw herself over him.

Chuck put his hand on her cheek and forced her to meet his eyes.

"Look deep down into the soul I know you have and tell me if you still love me."

She felt her heart beat faster, adrenaline pumping trough her veins, and she knew he was right, the rest is just details.

"I have to go and do something."

And she left him without an answer.

She found Louis in the middle of a discussion with some man she never seen before.

"Blair" Louis said. "There you are."

"I have to talk to you"

"What is it?" Louis looked straight at her with a bit of curiosity mixed with impatience in his voice. "I was in the middle of something."

"Not here. Follow me." Blair pulled him into a nearby hallway. She hated herself for doing this here. But she had to. She couldn't wait one more minute to remove the leash she felt she had around her neck.

"Louis I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean Blair?"

"I can't fool myself, or you, anymore. It's not fair." With tears in her eyes she pulled the ring from her finger. "I'm so sorry Louis but I can't marry you."

"What?"

She understood the surprise in his voice. Dropping this like a bomb on him, here, without any warning. She felt terrible.

"You can't be serious?" Louis raised his voice. She couldn't mistake the anger in his voice. "Is this about _him?_ You told me that was over!"

"Louis, you and I went through something terrible together, we lost our child. I lost myself the same moment. But I want to find that person again."

"So this is about your miscarriage?" He almost screamed now and looked straight at her with furious eyes.

"It was a mistake to ignore it, pretend nothing had happened. I should have let myself grieve. Instead it's hunting me down now, I have had nightmares about it almost every night lately and I think about it a lot. It must be hard for you too."

"It's not" Louis looked so coldly at her that her body shivered.

"Why so insensitive?" Blair asked with a bit of anger rising in her voice. "All of a sudden you don't care that you lost your child?"

Louis suddenly seemed a bit edgy and uncomfortable.

"You didn't lose _my_ child Blair."

Blair felt the air being sucked out of the room.

"I don't understand" Blair said even though her face expression and her fragile voice revealed that she already knew. Her brain worked hard to push away what her heart screamed.

"You think I didn't know what you were up to? I knew everything you did, every step you took!" Louis sounded furious. "That's why I made sure to get the result before anyone else did. As I thought the test result didn't match with my DNA."

"No" Blair pleaded with an almost audible voice. "You're lying to hurt me." She shut her eyes and tried to hold back her tears. Tried her hardest to close her eyes to the truth.

"I'm sorry Blair" Louis said with a slack of sympathy and regret in his voice.

_She stood_in shock_, __tears streaming_down her face._She_was beyond tears, as realization hit her.


End file.
